Miss Me? I Don't Care.

07.19.2008

WARNING: This column is written by an intoxicated chimpanzee. There will be dirty words. Parental discretion is advised... STRONGLY!

Well, well, well... I bet you "smart" Internet-reading, Dorito-scarfing, no date-getting, in your parents' basement-living marks thought you'd seen the last of ol' Horatio Crackerjacks at "The Official Website of 'Hollywood' Jimmy Blaylock" didn't you? HA! The only way that you freaks will not see me anymore will be when ANY of you have concentual sex with another (live) human. And just to show you booger-eaters just how much more AWESOME I am than you will ever be, I present to you the first ALL-ANIMATED Mr. Crackerjacks column. Just click the bright yellow words. If you have DSL or cable, you should have no problem enjoying this column to to its fullest potential. If you have dial-up, then fuck you. Join the 21st Century with the rest of us already.

MY SEED IS STRONG!
I want to introduce you to the newest member of my family. My twenty-fifth kid and seventeenth son, STINKMETER CRACKERJACKS!
Ain't lil' Stinkmeter just so cute! No, I don't know how much the little bastard weighed. We don't have scales in the jungle, idiots! That's the great thing about being a male chimpanzee. We can knock-up any bitch we want and never get married or pay child support. All the bragging rights and none of the responsibility. That must mean 80% of you reading have chimps for fathers.

WHAT DOES MR. CRACKERJACKS THINK ABOUT...
*the drama between Lord Humongous III and Lady Vixen
*the Booneville,MS wrestling scene
*Hulk, Linda, Brooke and Nick Hogan
*the return of "Axeman Speaks"
This.

WRESTLING NEWS CENTER SPOTLIGHTED BY DAILY JOURNAL
An article on the Wrestling News Center appeared in the Thursday edition of "The Scene", which is published by the Northeast Mississippi Daily Journal. As a result, nearly 10,000 people logged onto the blog THAT DAY! What you people DON'T know is that chimpanzees are naturals at the art of espionage. Wednesday night, I placed a hidden digital camera in Coah B.T.'s home. I captured these images at the very moment B.T. read the news.

OLLIE INTERVIEWS THE KING
I'll admit it. I liked Ollie By Fatty's interview with Jerry Lawler. He asked questions that had nothing to do with wrestling. That made a lot of you marks who always bitch about "WAHHHH! This is a RASSLIN' site, you should only talk about RASSLIN'! WAHHHH!!!" mad, I'm sure. I'll bet $100.00 he did that on purpose! It was a return to what made "Rants N' Raves" so great in the first place and UNlike the shittiness his columns have turned into. Will he keep it up? I doubt it. Even though I thought the interview was interesting, it was basically one comic book geek getting the rusty trombone from an even bigger, FATTER comic book geek.

RANDY HALES IS RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING
Hollywood Jimmy's messageboard posters are a bunch of mutants. That's the only thing he said in his little e-mail worth a damn. Randy Hales looks and acts like the love child of Forrest Gump and and a crack whore. He's a spazz who can't get through a promo without jerking his head around like a four-day old infant. He ruined Channel 5 Wrestling by continually putting himself in the main event when guys like Kurt Angle, Nick Dinsmore, Brian Danielson, Brian Kendrick, Lance Cade and Rico Constantino worked at Power Pro. The WWE saw how he was fucking over their developmental guys and asked Jerry Lawler to take them to Memphis Championship Wrestling. Hales has been off TV for several years now. Not one person has shed a solitary tear over this dipshit being gone. He is irrelevant to the wrestling world. Nobody remembers or cares. He will be nothing more than a footnote... if he's lucky. Even Charles Manson thinks this mongoloid is a joke.

Right, Charlie?

And on that note, I'm outta here, peckerwoods.