What the hell is an "Izzy Rotten"?

I have to admit, I don't know a whole hell of a lot about the independent wrestling scene in the area. I know enough to get by, but the fact of the matter is there are maybe... MAYBE... a dozen or so wrestlers around here who MIGHT be lucky enough one day to be a squash jobber on TNA.

You don't look like wrestlers. You don't act like wrestlers. You are all either too fat or too skinny. You care more about being in the main event for some shit hole wannabe promotion in front of 40 fans instead of getting paid actual MONEY by laying on your back in front of 40,000 fans. Whenever a legitimate PROFESSIONAL wrestler (one who wrestles for a LIVING, not just a weekend warrior) appears at a show, you all flock like ring rats to get your picture made with them and sniff their jock. You care more about getting your skanky girlfriends and wives booked as "valets" instead of trying to improve your craft.

There really isn't any INCENTIVE for me or other fans of the WWE and TNA to follow you piss ants in this area.

For those who say, "Nobody comes to the shows because wrestling is dead in this area.":

No.

Professional wrestling is NOT dead in this area.

That is nothing more than a cop-out. Out of all those people who attend the WWE house shows in Memphis, Tupelo, and the surrounding area, less than 10% even know you local yokels EXIST. Of that 10%, there are 90% who HAVE been to one or more of the local shows and realized what jokes they are and never gone back. The wrestling shows that the LOCAL indies put on are "dead in this area."

You can call me names all you want on Hollywood's guestbook and BT's messageboard if it will make you feel better... but that won't make it any less TRUE.

I get more entertainment watching jungle vultures fight over a zebra carcass than the wrestling in this area. It's even more fun to fling a banana peel in middle of the frenzy and watch the nasty bastards REALLY go crazy!

Now, having explained why I... and the VAST majority of wrestling fans in this area... could give two shakes of a dead dog's dick about the local indy wrestling scene, I can honestly say that I don't have a fucking clue who "Izzy Rotten" is. I wouldn't know him if I bumped into him on the street (of course, he'd pretty much figure out I was Mr. Crackerjacks... not that many CHIMPANZEES 'round these parts, y'know). He may be a sweet guy for all I know.

One thing I can tell you, he's right about Axeman being a mark.

Another thing I can tell you, marks can smell their own.

"IZZY" Rotten? If that isn't a gimmick name only a true-blue mark would give themself then I don't know what is. Of all the thousands of wrestlers who have laced up a pair a boots, he chose AXEL ROTTEN to pattern himself after? Cameron Valentine I can understand. Shit, dude LOOKS like Greg Valentine, one of THE best workers to wrestle in the 1980's.

But Axel Rotten??? What the fuck??? The first and LAST time anyone cared about Axel and/or Ian Rotten was that ECW feud they had with each other in the early 1990's. Axel got a little more mileage by riding Balls Mahoney's sac a few years later, but he was soon dumped from the team by Paul Heyman for Spike Dudley... because people actually CARED about Spike.

But in all fairness, I did a Google image search on the name "Izzy Rotten" and these are some of the results I found:

http://www.delawareonline.com/blogs/uploaded_images/jtimber-763751.jpg

http://www.topnews.in/files/images/Vivienne-Westwood4.jpg

http://images.spaceref.com/news/2007/izzy.jpg

http://www.newberrycounty.net/animal/mar17shadow3.jpg

http://blogs.orlandosentinel.com/features_popculture_blog/images/2007/04/03/sanjaya_narrowweb__300x4370.jpg

http://weblogs.newsday.com/entertainment/tv/blog/maude.jpg

Seriously... I went through 30 pages! Did I at least get close?

But... like I said... Izzy Rotten may be a cool dude for all I know. But I ain't paying a dime to see him.

YOUR POSTS, MY RESPONSE:

Well, this is the part where I make comments and such about specific posts on Hollywood Jimmy's guest book. Not such luck this time. Today I single out two GROUPS of posts.

First of all, we have the group that goes there to bash Jimmy and the writers. These people (or "person" most likely) are big fans of gene Jackson and Coach B.T. and Rasslin' Riot. Now before one of you dumb bastards starts screaming, "You said you weren't going to talk about Gene anymore," I'm not.

But I will post what he said on "The Bathroom Wall" called the Kayfabe Board.

" at least they know who was saying what, unlike their site where people can go on the board and post with bogus names... criticize people with the benefit of no one knowing who they are "

Wow.

That sounds EXACTLY like you!

According to Gene Jackson... one of the guys that YOU are defending... you are the biggest pieces of shit on the fucking planet!

By the way, about this "Bathroom Wall" business. I don't know which of you guys started calling Hollywood's guest book that, it doesn't matter. Because you're right. BUT... couldn't have you come up with something more ORIGINAL? "Bathroom Wall" has been used to describe guest books and message boards since the INVENTION of guest books and message boards. Yeah... "Bathroom Wall" is about as original as the Powers of Pain.

Or Izzy Rotten.

And which is more pathetic? The person who draws dirty pictures on a men's restroom stall anonymously, or the guy who leaves a message for gay sex and gives his real name and phone number?

Just asking.

To the fuck wad who insinuated that, somehow, the writers at Hollywood Jimmy weren't qualified to talk about wrestling because none of us have been "involved" in the business or whatever and that the guys at Rasslin' Riot are MORE qualified... well, neither have Bill Apter, Stu Saks, Matt Brock, Eddie Ellner, Liz Hunter, Dave Rosenbaum, Wade Keller, Dave Meltzer, C.R. Zimmerman, Scott Keith, Flea, Chris Hyatte, Eric Szulczewski, Ian Burnside, Matthew Micahels, widro, Matthew Michaels, Ashish, Larry Cszonka, Meehan, Dusty the Fat Cat, J.D. Dunn, Randy Harrison, Daniel Wilcox, Chris Lansdell and many many more who are more well-known than ANY of the writers at Hollywood Jimmy and Rasslion' Riot ever will be. Not a damn one of 'em has ever been "involved" in professional wrestling.

It's called "Freedom of Speech".

And just to bust the bubbles of long-time "Pro Wrestling Illustrated" fans... Matt Brock, Eddie Ellner, Liz Hunter and Dave Rosenbaum are all FICTIONAL characters.

So fuck you, mark.

The OTHER group are those involved in this whole Lord Humongous 3 and Lady Vixen bullshit.

I want EVERY wrestler reading this to go back and look at the posts by "Lady Vixen" and "Mrs. Rocker". Go ahead. The rest of us will wait.

See... that's what happens when wrestlers marry ring rats. Flirt with them if you want. Screw them if you must. But, if you get hitched, these two are prime examples of what you end up with.

Carry on, humans.

Okay... THIS will be the last time I mention Gene Jackson

Gene Jackson posted this on the Kayfabe Messageboard:

If we're gonna be truthful here and I know I'll get hell for this on the bathroom wall but it's the truth. As angry as I come off in these columns the fact of the matter is I FIND ALL OF THIS FUNNY. The reason I haven't written shit in the past few months is because I've had no motivation to. There's been nothing interesting to talk about and no drama to capitalize on. As disappointing as this will be to people reading this who would like think that I'm sitting over here fuming about all this. The truth is I have no grudge against anybody on "the other site". Most of them I consider friends and enjoy working with when given the chance. I've thought the "website war" is fun and is beneficial to both sites and things are really boring when everyone is getting along. I think when little things can be blown up and debated back and forth it's fun and it gets everyone reading both sites.

Because I am a chimpanzee of advanced education and blood/alcohol level, I will take this post at face value and accept that you were only trying to get "heat" for both 'sites.

Not interested.

That would enter me into a level of Internet nerdville that I have no desire to be a part of. I'm already compromising my principles enough by creating a stinking BLOG in the first place! The ONLY reason this blog exists is for the convience of Tia Blaylock, the only human I've ever met worth a damn.

I contribute to "The Official Website of 'Hollywood' Jimmy Blaylock".... ONLY! If you want a "feud" between "Rasslin' Riot" and "Wrestling News Center" Gene, then I suggest you talk to Axeman, Ollie, D-Rock or Rich. People who actually CONTRIBUTE to "Wrestling News Center". Then you can all rib on each other with your little MySpace pages or cut promos on your little YouTube accounts or whatever else you want to do playing your little game of Internerd Cyberfag Grab-Ass.

Frankly, I would've rather you actually hated me than think I'd even consider being a part of such geek nonsense.

Now that THAT is out of the way...

YOUR POST, MY RESPONSE

"mad at the chimp" Posted: "he needs to apologise to all of us who post here after he insult all of us when we stood up for him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My Response: The day that I want, need or ask for help from ANY of you messageboard mutants is the day I run a hose from the exaust and duct tape the windows.

Ollie Bradford Posted: [about Lord Humongus the Third] "Hugo and I have never had a cross word between us.... I always enjoy chewing the fat when we appear on a show together."

My Response: I imagine it takes about a month when the two of you "chew the fat".

Ken Wayne Posted: "Somebody please keep Gary off of here talking stupid. I wouldn't tell no one I was 'on' my way to El Paso,I guess he's driving 1100 miles, that's from Memphis.Your so over they won't fly you out there. Get a life Gary. No one cares about you and Angie, but you. Or the new Vixen or any of it..Pathetic"

My Response: Holy shit! Ken Wayne is still alive!!???!!



I got booze to drink and chimpanzettes to nail. I'm outta here.

Who Sh*t in Gene Jackson's Cornflakes?

Brain "Coach BT" Tramel posted this on his Kayfabe Board:

"BTW, I did like the Chimp's joke though - thanks for putting me over."

Now see, BT gets it. He understands what this column is and is able to take a joke.

But, Gene "The War Markchine" Jackson has, from day one, acted all offended at the notion of a wrestling column being written by a drunk chimp. I guess the audacity of an "intoxicated ape" writing a comedy column about a such a SERIOUS profession as Wrestling... a profession that has given the world Adam Bomb, Beaver Cleavage, Billionaire Ted, the Blowaway Diet, the Gobbledygooker, the Dog Poo Match, Katie Vick, "Piledriver: The Wrestling Album", Dr. I. Yakem, The Black Scorpion Saga, White Castle of Fear, the Fingerpoke of Doom, Viagra on a Pole, Robocop, Turkey on a Pole Battle Royal, Tagar Lord of the Volcano, the Christmas Creature, Nightmare Freddy and Ring of Honor... is an OUTRAGE!

For whatever reason, he's more pissed off at me than usual. My guess it is either the "your father may be a chimp" bit hit a little too close to home or he's a Randy Hales mark.

Gene "Jackson" posted this on BT's board:

"almost every column from the 'drunk chimp' has taken shots at this site as well BT and myself"

Bullshit.

Let's get one thing straight, "Gene Jackson" (and I won't even start about the hypocricy of calling the nameless retards on Jimmy's message board "cowards" when YOU don't post YOUR real name)... I have been a helluva lot harder on the writers at Hollywood Jimmy than I have EVER been on BT or you. If you are capable of memory recall, EVERY remark I ever made about you or BT was obviously done as part of the comedy that makes up roughly 95% of all content I write.

Obvious to anyone other than a complete fool.

The very few times that I have "shot" on someone it WASN'T you.... it WASN'T Tramel... it was Axeman, D-Rock, and Rick. For you to say otherwise is a complete and total dishonest stance to take in support of your grievance.

And you KNOW it!

Or maybe you don't.

After all, you can't seem to grasp the fact that the Wrestling News Center and The Official Website of "Hollywood" Jimmy Blaylock are two SEPARATE 'sites.

Whatever. Just like Axeman, you seem to be completely unable to take a joke... even when I DON'T make a joke about you (please kindly point out where I even mentioned or implied your fucking name in the last column). The Coach, on the other hand, has proven that he CAN take a joke. If the day ever comes when he can't take it anymore, I'll never mention his name in this column again. Just like you (and your soulmate, Axeman) will never have to worry about having your poor widdle feewings hurt again by a mean ol' chimpanzee.

After this little bit:

HOW TO SHOOT YOURSELF IN THE FOOT

"I wonder how many people who wandered over from the daily journal were impressed when they saw the 'wrestling news center' promoting a column written by a 'drunken chimp wrestling guru'? In the words of Tony Schiavone, 'Yeah, that will put asses in the seats.'"

Ah... the infamous Shiavone quote.

From Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/WCW_Monday_Nitro

Bischoff's "tried & true" tactic of giving away the results from taped Raw shows backfired on January 4, 1999. Mick Foley, who had wrestled for WCW during the early 1990s as Cactus Jack, won the WWF Title as Mankind on Raw. Nitro announcer Tony Schiavone sarcastically mentioned "that'll sure put some butts in the seats." The moment that Schiavone insulted Foley, over 600,000 viewers changed channels to watch Raw.

Thanks for the hits your posts generated, Gene!

Miss Me? I Don't Care.

07.19.2008

WARNING: This column is written by an intoxicated chimpanzee. There will be dirty words. Parental discretion is advised... STRONGLY!

Well, well, well... I bet you "smart" Internet-reading, Dorito-scarfing, no date-getting, in your parents' basement-living marks thought you'd seen the last of ol' Horatio Crackerjacks at "The Official Website of 'Hollywood' Jimmy Blaylock" didn't you? HA! The only way that you freaks will not see me anymore will be when ANY of you have concentual sex with another (live) human. And just to show you booger-eaters just how much more AWESOME I am than you will ever be, I present to you the first ALL-ANIMATED Mr. Crackerjacks column. Just click the bright yellow words. If you have DSL or cable, you should have no problem enjoying this column to to its fullest potential. If you have dial-up, then fuck you. Join the 21st Century with the rest of us already.

MY SEED IS STRONG!
I want to introduce you to the newest member of my family. My twenty-fifth kid and seventeenth son, STINKMETER CRACKERJACKS!
Ain't lil' Stinkmeter just so cute! No, I don't know how much the little bastard weighed. We don't have scales in the jungle, idiots! That's the great thing about being a male chimpanzee. We can knock-up any bitch we want and never get married or pay child support. All the bragging rights and none of the responsibility. That must mean 80% of you reading have chimps for fathers.

WHAT DOES MR. CRACKERJACKS THINK ABOUT...
*the drama between Lord Humongous III and Lady Vixen
*the Booneville,MS wrestling scene
*Hulk, Linda, Brooke and Nick Hogan
*the return of "Axeman Speaks"
This.

WRESTLING NEWS CENTER SPOTLIGHTED BY DAILY JOURNAL
An article on the Wrestling News Center appeared in the Thursday edition of "The Scene", which is published by the Northeast Mississippi Daily Journal. As a result, nearly 10,000 people logged onto the blog THAT DAY! What you people DON'T know is that chimpanzees are naturals at the art of espionage. Wednesday night, I placed a hidden digital camera in Coah B.T.'s home. I captured these images at the very moment B.T. read the news.

OLLIE INTERVIEWS THE KING
I'll admit it. I liked Ollie By Fatty's interview with Jerry Lawler. He asked questions that had nothing to do with wrestling. That made a lot of you marks who always bitch about "WAHHHH! This is a RASSLIN' site, you should only talk about RASSLIN'! WAHHHH!!!" mad, I'm sure. I'll bet $100.00 he did that on purpose! It was a return to what made "Rants N' Raves" so great in the first place and UNlike the shittiness his columns have turned into. Will he keep it up? I doubt it. Even though I thought the interview was interesting, it was basically one comic book geek getting the rusty trombone from an even bigger, FATTER comic book geek.

RANDY HALES IS RIGHT ABOUT ONE THING
Hollywood Jimmy's messageboard posters are a bunch of mutants. That's the only thing he said in his little e-mail worth a damn. Randy Hales looks and acts like the love child of Forrest Gump and and a crack whore. He's a spazz who can't get through a promo without jerking his head around like a four-day old infant. He ruined Channel 5 Wrestling by continually putting himself in the main event when guys like Kurt Angle, Nick Dinsmore, Brian Danielson, Brian Kendrick, Lance Cade and Rico Constantino worked at Power Pro. The WWE saw how he was fucking over their developmental guys and asked Jerry Lawler to take them to Memphis Championship Wrestling. Hales has been off TV for several years now. Not one person has shed a solitary tear over this dipshit being gone. He is irrelevant to the wrestling world. Nobody remembers or cares. He will be nothing more than a footnote... if he's lucky. Even Charles Manson thinks this mongoloid is a joke.

Right, Charlie?

And on that note, I'm outta here, peckerwoods.